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The Candid Turtle: A TMNT Exposé

Posted on March 24th, 2006 by Andrey Summers

Oftentimes, we wonder: what aren’t they showing us on the television? When we see American troops marching triumphantly through some deserted part of Iraq that isn’t actually of strategic importance, where is the TRUTH being hidden?

No doubt you often think along the same lines when considering the 1990′s Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Well, fret no more, spawnlings. The truth is finally out.

  • During their first few weeks of collaboration, Krang was woefully slow to comprehend the meaning of Shredder’s title and was known to frequently hand him a bunch of documents and tell him to “do his thing”.

  • Michelangelo regularly caused a ruckus, every time ‘Splinter groups’ were mentioned on the radio, believing such reports to be somehow related to himself, and his friends.

  • Shredder’s constant “You’re the brains of the operation, Krang, you know that!” grew less and less hilarious as the years went by, but Beebop and Rocksteady never said anything.

  • April O’Neill wore that yellow jumpsuit at all times. Even to funerals.

  • The Foot Clan was briefly re-titled the Athlete’s Foot Clan, when Krang found out about Shredder’s embarrassing affliction.

  • After visiting the Ninja Turtles, April consistently reeked of sewage and feces (not helped by the fact that she owned no change of clothing). This is why she remained single.

  • Venus the fifth turtle DOES exist. This truth was covered up in the early 90’s biographical cartoon because it was meant to be family friendly, and you can only imagine what kind of savage orgiastic lifestyle reigned in that sewer right up until Venus’ untimely passing in 2001.

  • Baxter Stockman did not know who Jeff Goldblum was for the duration of his entire life, nor did he ever get to see the only movie he could possibly ever relate to. Ever.

  • Vernon was cowardly, thrifty, had a large nose, and ran the media, but there was never any kind of message there.

  • Irma only ever dated massive, black men who had usually been shot once or twice. April didn’t know this, and wondered how Irma could consistently fall down the stairs in a basement-level studio-apartment.

  • Beebop and Rocksteady only ever played “Krang-ball” once. Their punishment is not detailed anywhere in the Technodrome’s records, but it is rumored that around that time Krang temporarily attached a grotesque phallus to his robot exoskeleton.

  • No, Venus the 5th Turtle was unable to have children due to mutational defects. She did, however, apparently have fully developed breasts under that impenetrable carapace, the mysterious function of which is said to only be known by Michelangelo who was so traumatized by the whole thing that he stopped being “a party dude” for almost a year.

  • Michelangelo also stopped being “a party dude” for several weeks after the vicious attacks on the World Trade Center. Before that, the sinking of the U.S.S. Cole.

  • Shredder (christened Oroku Saki) was briefly married, but broke it off after the continual, emasculating guffaws he got, when introducing his evil friends to “Mrs. Sucky”.

  • Splinter’s harsh training regimen was largely limited to running inside a wheel. If the turtles interrupted, he would scurry over and hide behind his water-dish.

  • Leonardo and April had a son, whom he named Leopardo. Unfortunately, there was a cultural misunderstanding, and Leonardo buried the little guy at the beach, during low tide. The relationship lasted a few more months, but it was never really the same. Vernon was optimistic about the savings in funeral costs.

  • The Technodrome was not, as is the rumor, fuelled by hatred. This is ridiculous. It was in fact fuelled by the mild antipathy between Shredder and Krang, who spent a half hour every day inside the engine room, enthusiastically blowing into a large tube. You can imagine the unlimited possibilities Beebop and Rocksteady had when naming this hilarious daily situation.

  • Donatello was initially worried that the turtle-van’s garish exterior would compromise the heroes while stuck in traffic. In fact, people just ended up yelling ‘fags!’ a lot.

  • Raphael was the only one ever bothered by the fact that, surfing through the sewers and yelling “Cowabunga!” the turtles were continually spraying each-other in fecal matter.

  • The Turtle Blimp was once blown way off course and downed outside a remote US Air Force Airfield. Even though Michelangelo got marshmallow pizza all over the controls, the whole thing was blamed on Donatello because apparently he “does machines”.

  • Irma periodically tried to tell April about the constant abuse her black gentlemen visited upon her- so that maybe the turtles could put a stop to it. Nothing ever came of it, though, because April is one of those people who just walk by hobos like they’re not even there. You know those people?

  • The Ninja Turtles are Gods made flesh. They are older than the stars themselves, and when the world is dust they will remain to wander oblivion, using colloquialisms from the late ‘80s.

  • Splinter has been completely senile since 1978.

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