So I left it a little late. So what? It’s not like anyone’s even remotely interested in Street Sharks anyway. Trust me on this. There are literally NO fan sites of any kind about this mediocre 90s kids’ show which was a blatant rip-off of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I know this because of my extensive twenty second search on Google. (Please don’t find me some obscure Street Sharks website to prove me wrong. I really don’t care.)
When we last left our fishy four, they were escaping from the police by diving into a lake and shouting “SHARK DIVE!” at the same time. In the meantime, annoying helicopter reporter guy informs us that there’s a ‘radical’ fifteen car pileup on the freeway. What’s worse, a woman who looks suspiciously like April O’Neil is trapped in a flaming car which is next to a gas truck! The truck explodes into a fireball with shrapnel flying in every direction, shredding the woman to death, except not really.
What DOES happen, however, is that the Street Sharks are swimming towards the accident. Yes. Swimming. THROUGH CONCRETE. Shark men. Swimming through concrete. Yes. They surface, and notice the woman is in trouble. “We gotta save those people guys!” says Ripster, which is followed by about three minutes of everyone saying “Yeahuhrightohmumblemumblesureyeahyousaidit”. Luckily, they rescue screeching lady #726, who then faints, then gets up and runs away, shrieking. Hey, stick with what you know, that’s what I say.
The sharks meet up with Bends, who freaks out until Streex says “It’s me, Bobby!”. Bends then presumes that this is some kind of stoner trip, so he mellows out and lets the wind guide him. Shortly after, the Street Sharks decide to promote road safety, starting with a well-received seatbelt wearing campaign. They follow this up by visiting local schools and lecturing primary school kids on the dangers of crossing the street. “Always use the zebra crossing!” endorses Jab. They also create ‘extreme’ showbags to give away at schools, with assorted Street Sharks merchandise and paraphenalia, and they particularly make a killing at the T-Shirt sales.
Paradigm, however, is furious, and not to be outdone by his creations, sets out to start his OWN road safety awareness campaign. However, he has the incompetent help of Slash and Slobster, so when he tells his lackeys to create a “Don’t drink and drive” awareness campaign, they mistakenly put up billboards for Bloato, the soft drink of choice for fresh fish. Thousands of children across Fission City buy Bloato brand soft drink, much to the frustration of parents city wide, who have to put up with persistent nagging and whinging of their kids. Cries of “WE WANT BLOATO! WE WANT BLOATO!” can be heard all over town, with disasterous consequences.
It turns out that the pitch of an entire city of children shrieking out “WE WANT BLOATO!” repeatedly has disrupted the very foundations of Fission City. Paradigm, who was at a nearby amusement park at the time, was very nearly the victim of an unfortunate Ferris Wheel accident. The Street Sharks were also in the amusement park at the time, and although they had an exciting time as the ground caved in beneath them, it caused some problems when trying to explain to Bends what happened afterwards.
“So, like, dudes…what happened?”
“Well you see, thousands of kids were chanting for their soft drink demon…”
“…and then we spontaneously decided to go to an amusement park, and then…”
“…well, the ground gave way, and we fell into a sinkhole.”
“Whoa…this is heavy. I’m with four monsterous talking sharks in a car. I can’t wait to see what the LSD will do.”
The Sharks are furious when they discover Paradigm’s meddling with their lucrative Road Safety campaign, and confront him. Streex, flashing a perfectly white smile, offers him an attractive and profitable opportunity (ie., they will leave all of his limbs functional and will not rearrange his face) in exchange for $600,000 in damages and emotional stress. Naturally, Paradigm scoffs at this threat, and the whole thing quickly degenerates into a feeble attempt at a mudslinging event. Below is a direct transcript:
Paradigm: You fools! I will not tolerate such insolence! I made you what you are today! Literally!
Once I had a pet goat. Her name was Sarah. She was a good goat. She’d eat cans but then spit them back out for me. I liked her for that reason – I could still take the cans to the recycling depot and earn my 5 cents per can. It wasn’t a problem milking her, either. Never drank the stuff, myself – goat’s milk is horrid – but it was good for wall insulation. Surprisingly thick stuff, goat’s milk. Did you know that a goat is actually a kind of lemur? I didn’t either, but the guy at the pet shop assured me that this was the case. Nice guy, he had two eyes, but he also had one of those things that you wear to stop the rain from getting inside your mind. It was turnip-shaped. When the rotation of the earth begins to go backwards, they all fall apart. Useless in that situation. That’s why I walk on my hands. Yes, yes, hand walking all the time. Sometimes my toupee drags along the ground and spontaneously combusts.
Waterloo was a horrible place. It was wet all the time. So I got rid of all the water. They had to rename it. They called it Brunswick. She told me it couldn’t be done, couldn’t be done, but I told her that she was off her rocker, then I pushed her out of her rocking chair. That cricket bat soon put a stop to the horrible things her hair was saying. Yes it did. Mugs. Mugs mugs mugs mugs mugs mugs. If you say it backwards, it kind of sounds like smug. Calling ME smug, are you? I just won’t have it. I won’t. I know where you live. Or where you don’t. We’ll show them all, won’t we?
But it turns out that Paradigm DOES have the upper hand after all! Despite chewing their way out of a sinkhole created by a swordfish man, wrecking the amusement park and dispatching his cronies Slash and Slobster, the ‘Sharks suddenly find themselves surrounded by tanks! Never mind the fact that they’re ridiculously strong, can bite through seemingly anything, have become so stupid that it’s practically a superpower, and can dive underground. The episode is nearly over, so cartoon logic quite clearly states that the brothers have to surrender and put their hands up. Will Paradigm get what he wants? Just what does he want, anyway? He’s already gotten his watch. How on earth did they manage to get tanks into an amusement park? Does anyone really care? Who is responsible for this horrid show? The script, in particular? Maybe we’ll find out, but most likely not.
UNTIL NEXT TIME!
Article by Ben K
Awesome additional art by Andy “Klobber” Webb
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