The Chicken Feed

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Australians everywhere (provided they live in Melbourne, Sydney or Brisbane and use public transport) know mX – a delightful, informative and totally free daily newspaper available at train stations. Subjects span US celebrity gossip, new product lines, US celebrity trivia, sports, photographs of people in their underwear, US celebrities launching new product lines, photographs of US celebrities in their underwear, and sudoku.

Particularly worth reading is the the letters section, “Vent Your Spleen”, where fellow commuters write in to send messages to strangers they met on the train or discuss the news, politics, trains, celebrities and celebrities on trains.

Ever wanted to see what that letters section looked like, but too afraid to pick up the copy that shifty old man left on his seat with a copy of Big & Bouncy wrapped inside? Wonder no longer!

My train was three minutes late again today. This is an outrage!

- John Steja, Penrith

Oh my god, today I was on the train and this fat lady tried to sit next to me. It was disgusting. Fat people should sit by themselves in the three-person seats.

- Skinny

Am I the only person who has seen an alarming increase in the number of top hats on the station platform? You look stupid, people.

- Gamen Rider, Bronzebane

Has anyone else noticed that if you take some letters out of “CITYRAIL” and put in a few more and rearrange them you get “TERRIBLE”? Just saying.

- Beard, North Ryde

Hey, you in the hat: You suck!

- Rokem, Cabramatta

I really need to whiz. CityRail should install tubes that just “plug in” and away the whiz goes under the seat and out of the train.

- L. Kidby, Sydney

Now, I’m not racist, but I think if we designated special carriages for the brown people we wouldn’t have rap-blaring radios infesting our trains.

- Con McWhitey, Blacktown


- H.B. Bear, Magic Forest

I do not approve of the shenanigans afoot in the latest train timetables.

- Jan, Viewville

Everyone who writes into mX with complaints about trains should shut the hell up. If you like walking so much, why don’t you MARRY it?

- Debbie, Gelatin

To the girl who takes the train to Redfern every morning and wore a pink shirt last Tuesday: Your hair looks stupid, and your shrill voice is way too loud. Tone it down.

- Bogan the Barbarian, Mulleton

People who talk loudly on phones on the train should be eviscerated with the sharp end of a rusty tuba.

- Jim, Sydney

Today I went on a train and did not have a bad time. What a surprising turn of events! I also approve of your many articles on that Lindsey Lohan. Keep up the good work!

- Hastings Hatsworthington, Hatville

To the woman in the red hat that takes the 8:47 to Central: I can’t stop thinking about you.

- Not Creepy, Hatville

Brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains brains

- Frank, Willamette

Dear the delightful woman who takes the 4:23 to Whimsyville every Thursday: Go take a bath and lose some weight, you unwashed filthy pig.

- Charming, Broodshire


- Bobistair Braid

I swear I saw a guy huffing paint on the train today. Why can’t police control the Aborigines?

- Bomfunkington, Hatville

These late trains are so annoying! Get your act together, government people! Augh!

- Angry, Geocity

I disagree, Pedro (mX, Tues). I can think of THREE things worse than people kissing on the train! Rape, child abduction and gay people kissing on the train.

- William, Gibsonton

Everyone who writes to this magazine anywhere, anytime, ever, is a complete whiner. If I want to lick myself on the train, I can. It’s a public place.

- J. Frog, Michigan

Do you like cheese? I do. I eat it on the train. It’s delicious.

- Rosso, Marrickville

No offense, but turbans freak me out! Let me do a cavity search or take them off, people!

- Reasonable, Hatville

To continue my letter from Monday, you know what I really hate about trains? The trains are always late and I hate them! What a waste of money.

- Bob, Hornsby

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6 Responses to “Vent Your Spleen Until It Ruptures: The MX Letters Page”

  1. Alastair CraigNo Gravatar Says:

    A top-notch comeback from Ettin. Ben summed up this one best:

    “My god, it’s like I’m coming home from work and reading the Melbourne mX”.

  2. SmithNo Gravatar Says:

    OMG VU has got to be THE WORST ever!! You can never get anything done there, if you have a problem, it only creates another one! Person ‘A’ will tell you to speak to ‘B’ who will then tell you to refer to ‘C’ and once you get there they’ll just say ‘A & B’ have nothing to do with this, nor me, go see person ‘D’… ADMINISTRATION SUCK! I feel sorry for all the international students there because they are full fee paying students and until this year I’ve seen one after the other transferring out, or leaving, or getting depressed from how much hell they’re been given.. STEP UP VU, Where’s the THINKING in your \New School of Thought\ ???

  3. SamNo Gravatar Says:

    Haha, Smith, yeh I agree with you, I was there for one semester which was the biggest mistake of my life. I made friends with a couple of nice international students who had nothing but complaints about the quality of education & most of all the policies & procedures of the administration. I’ve had so many problems I decided to switch. The international students though have it tougher on them because of their visa regulations, culture shock & there just doesn’t seem to be anyone looking after them. One of them once told me that he was MISLED into VU and had he known what sort of uni it was he wouldn’t have touched it with a 100m pole. I guess it’s just like a trap for them though, once their in they really can’t go anywhere else or they’ll lose most of their credits (cause VU is the worst) and they’d have to add another year or 2 just to get their degree after transferring. Can you imagine repeating subjects after you’ve pass them? Eww.. VU should probably hire the most troublesome international student they have, he/she would know how to take care of the others (assuming he/she ain’t dumb, and resolved their own issues) – New School of Thought – haha, I never really bought that.

  4. Alastair CraigNo Gravatar Says:

    That sort of anti-authoritarian slander is typical of the ignorant neo-leftist, knee-jerk tendency to bite the hand of the system that feeds you. When you’ve left your self-published ‘zine behind, you’ll come to appreciate the establishment’s contribution to the greater good. Susan Sarandon would be rolling in her grave.

    Thank you for your interest in! Would you care to purchase a Quack Cap?

  5. Paul MatijevicNo Gravatar Says:

    Haha, Alastair! I agree with you and also disagree with both of these strange Siamese twins. First, no international student would ever go all the way to South Australia and so there clearly aren’t that many at VU. Second, nobody who has been to a university that isn’t in the southern United States or Alaaska says “ain’t”. Fourth, nobody is named after letters, except these three sisters I know named Z, X and K, and those letters get an exception because they are xtreme kewl letterz. Seventh, if you’ve seen them get depressed or leaving “until this year”, /what happened instead this year?/ That’s right, they are all so happy with VU that with their happy foreigner ways they have thrown a festive foreign party with funny dancing and curry to celebrate how happy they are at VU. Third, both of you need to learn to use dots properly. It’s three in a row, not two in a row! Finally, Dino-Mite /is/ an awesome name for a robotic dinosaur, shut up. And lastly, if you are misled into a university it is your fault for not putting more ranks in Sense Motive.

    I suppose you went to the New School of JERKS!!!

  6. Alastair CraigNo Gravatar Says:

    On the contrary, Paul, I think you’ll find it was always Lucas’s intention to have Han shoot Greedo in self-defence. Sorry, but I agree with Smith: the day Alan Dean Foster’s ghost-written 1976 is ignored as legitimate Star Wars canon, the terrorists have already won.

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