Salutations, and it’s nice to meet all of you. I’m Hyle Russell, white supremacist, and I’m going to take you on a journey through the mind’s soul, where terrible poetry is the in-flight meal. How do you feel about Virtual Boy? If you don’t like Virtual Boy, then I’m afraid we can never wed (and your biological clock is ticking, woman!).

Nintendo’s Virtual Boy is perhaps the most unappreciated video game system of all time. Most of the people who criticize it have never played it, and only do so because of ignorant gaming critics, and they only hate it because they never gave it a chance to begin with.

All of the ridiculous rumors that go along with it, like the system causing you to go blind, are false.  (The system provides an Automatic Pause feature that give your eyes a rest.)  Plus, there were several highly addictive and fun games that were released in the system’s short lifespan, the top of the heap being Galactic Pinball and Virtual Boy Wario Land.

Us Virtual Boy defenders are a select few, and I figured the most eloquent way of expressing my admiration for the red and black friend is to write fifteen Haikus (what else?) set during the time of its American release. Affectionately, I’ve dubbed these “Virtuaikus.”

Now sit back and pretend it’s August 1995 all over again…

Red Virtual Boy
is a seductress in heat -
How do you make love?

Three months untill 2 -
The long wait for DK
is bearable now.

President Clinton:
Thirty three months since you won
but now play Cosmic!

Pinball is long dead -
August breeze takes me to space
and that’s where it lives!

Jesus the gay man,
late summer resurrected
in red and black light?

Raccoons run rampant -
Hibernation in four months
so they buy VB.

Mario’s Tennis….
Unlike game in five years called
Mario Tennis.

I get sand in shorts
here on Earth so I must leave,
To Space World, let’s go!

Loud thunderstom is
like talentless Yoko’s songs…
Yokoi has talent.

Are you portable?
They say you are, time for camp
I can’t find head strap!

Mama says I’m dim,
I killed her on the mowed lawn
Teleroboxing?

Look, it is summer….
Stupid strict Haiku kigos
suck joy from VB.

No Miyamoto
this is Gunpei’s new baby -
LEAVE MIYAMOTO!

Brutal ass raping…
My sphincter ate tanned penis
Smelled foam and bit lip.

Hey Virtual Boy
I’ve found love before Autumn…
You Virtual Boy.

Hyle really needs to lose his virginity, and fast.

More Esoteric Virtuaikus
More Pop-Culture Poetry
Commemorative Virtual Boy Merchandise

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