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Wheresmegherkin: The Story So Far

Posted on October 30th, 2002 by Alastair Craig

Most popular bands sport an interesting story behind their name. Luckily, wheresmegerkin? never gained popularity. The band’s original lineup needs no introduction (but will nonetheless get one): Hannah Craig, vocalist, chronic pyromaniac and former bassist (following a court order to be kept away from all flammable objects), Louise Alipat√©, drummer, pianist and self-declared Tina Turner Karaoke Queen, and guitarist Alastair Craig, who writes erotic Star Wars fan-fiction.

wheresmegherkin? formed in 1973 as a Village People tribute act: a remarkable achievement of enthusiasm, as none of the members would be born for another 11 years. Their first single, Go South, South-East And Then West A Bit Also, almost reached double figures in sales. The band’s extensive wardrobe consisted of a sailor hat, a fireman hat and a single Indian-styled feather (lost).

wheresmegherkin? members attempting to form band initials.
Pictured (from left): Alastair, “The Fireman”; Hannah, “The Sailor”, and Louise, who forgot her costume.

Thanks to a complete lack of publicity, wheresmegherkin? snuck into the next decade without anyone noticing, or for that matter caring. When it became clear the Village People were no longer a hip act to impersonate, they renamed themselves Gherkin Gherkin! and leapt into the public limelight with their second single, Let’s Get Material, Girl! Sadly, the public limelight more closely resembled a small novelty torch, and the batteries were dead. GG’s touring circuit culminated with an action-packed gig at the Humptydoo State School fete, which critics later described as both “a performance” and “by a band”.

Gherkin Gherkin! members displaying their extensive knowledge of 80s fashion.
Pictured (from left): Hannah, choosing life; Alastair, choosing idiocy; and Louise, who forgot her costume, but whose everyday dress luckily coincided with the photoshoot theme.

Soon -but not soon enough- this dark decade of human history came to pass. The band formerly known as wheresmegherkin? lay dormant for the better part of the 1990s, resurfacing briefly as boy band The Gherkin Boys. Plans fell flat when it was discovered that none of the three members could grow sufficient facial hair (sadly, only a valid excuse for two of the three members), tragically cutting short tentative plans to go the ZZ Top route. It wasn’t until the rise of mediocre nu-metal/rap/hip-hop groups with a penchant for the letter Z and the backwards K that WhereZmeGherKin?!? (due to technical difficulties, they could not flip the “K”) saw a revival. However, their new single Breaking Things and Being Very Angry in General was never released by their record label, as he was sick that day.

WhereZmeGherKin?!? members in some sort of “house”, apparently.
Pictured (from left): Louise, Alastair and token black DJ Hannah.

The ’90s came and went, giving way to the ’00s. The band reformed as The Gherkines, exploiting the new musical inclination towards the word “The” and the silent “e”. Alastair was forced to develop a slack eye that was inexplicably present for only half the time, along with a highly ambiguous, constantly morphing accent. The band even started smashing their instruments at the end of each gig, although it was met with disapproval from the Dunedoo State School P&C Committee.

The Gherkines members, challenging society’s conformist notions of “matching ties”.
Pictured (from left): Alastair, Token Drunken Yobbo; Hannah, Token Sister; and Louise, mid-expletive after forgetting her costume.

wheresmegherkin?‘s collective fan base waits with baited breath to see what exciting musical direction the band will embark on next.

At least we think he will.  When he gets back from his holiday.

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