The Chicken Feed

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The latest bombshell in the alarming trend of inventing alarming trends and complaining about them, then updating about them with a self-referential joke about the alarming trend of inventing alarming trends, is here. And by “here”, I mean the link after this paragraph, which as I type is rendering the word “here” increasingly irrelevant by drawing the link in question away from the close-to-immediate proximity “here” suggests.

Can I start this again? No? Then read on, fair reader, to discover Why Bus Drivers Should Stop Wearing Reindeer Antlers On Their Heads. It will blow your mind, damaging valuable brain cells and making your left arm twitch involuntarily.

July 1986. Veteran bus driver Albert Weissman changes lanes. Like all bus drivers, he wears a compulsory set of reindeer antlers. The cumbersome six-foot head accessory, which had accidentally torn off the rear vision mirror months before, prevents him from turning to check the vehicle’s blind spot. He realises too late that there is no other lane, and he has just driven off the edge of a mountain range. This minor shortfall becomes a major one. None are injured, but the fluffy dice are never recovered.

April 1992. Lucy Allston drives past a bus. Distracted by the sight of the driver’s antlers, she misses a turn and crashes through a maximum-security prison fence. In the resulting confusion, a prison security van knocks over the neighbouring orphanage’s gate, unleashing hundreds of dangerous orphans into society.

September 2004. Markus Vianopoulus pays an antler-wearing bus driver his fare. His change is incorrect. He remains in a wheelchair to this day.
He admittedly used a wheelchair before the incident, but his new one isn’t quite as shiny.

January 2005. Amy and Stephen McDougall ride a bus home. The driver has reindeer antlers on his head. They arrive at their destination without any mishaps. That night, their uninsured house is burgled and set alight.

Astounded? Appalled? Anorexic? These are but a few casualties of the reindeer antlers worn by each and every bus driver the world over. This disturbing trend has brought us nothing but danger, inconvenience and liberal use of the present tense. Like women’s voting and the picture-wireless, bus drivers’ reindeer antlers have become so widely accepted that we rarely question their presence. Yet on every public transportation controller’s cranium of reindeer death.

Now I can understand the reasoning behind the antlers. We’ve all been there. But are all the obvious benefits really worth the risk of inadvertently concussing prospective travellers with a polite nod of the head? I know what you’re thinking: “I never ride public transport. Why should I care about a trivial danger that has no affect on my life? And how the hell did you know what I was thinking?” Remember, dear sir, ma’am, that public transport is funded by you, the taxpayers.

Yes, humble citizen, with every careless sneeze, another bus loses another windshield… and its replacement is coming out of your pocket, and ultimately little Billy’s college savings. I know what you’re thinking now: “Well golly! What on earth can I do to fix it? And isn’t Angelina Jolie particularly attractive these da- will you get out of my head?” You can start by using jeans with smaller pockets and putting Billy’s education fund in a bank that doesn’t award interest in spare bus windshields. More importantly, though, we must all take a stand.

Next time you board a bus, refuse pay your fare until the driver takes off his multifaceted horns of destruction. If you can’t see any antlers, don’t get put off. The antlers probably have nonexistence bubbles around them or something – The System is only one step ahead of you! When reading Christmas stories to your children, replace Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with Fido the Fuchsia-Furred Ferret. And if you see Ricky Martin in the streets, shoot him on sight. This won’t fix the bus problem – I just can’t stand the man.

Rival male reindeer use their antlers for combat as they vie for the affections of potential mates. In the same way, that collective pair of antlers embraced by the world’s bus drivers is clawing its way into our comfortable way of life. Its potential mate? Satan. Call me a foolhearty young whippersnapper with no understanding of how the world works and occasional bowel problems after eating too much cholestorol, but I know the downfall of society when I see it. My fellow lovers of freedom and casual sex partners of liberty: this cannot go on.

As a wise man once said, or would have said had he been me: “Only when bus drivers stop wearing reindeer antlers on their heads can we truly live in a world free of bus drivers’ heads with reindeer antlers on them.” Any other world just wouldn’t be worth living in. Especially not if you’re dead.

Have you inflicted grievous bodily harm on a Spanish pop singer? Share your story.

More Public Transport Shenanigans on
The mX Magazine Letters Page: A Tribute
That Rubber Chicken Podcast Episode That Namedrops Buses Near The End

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